Catastrophantasizing

Take that, DSM V!

Saying “I have anxiety” doesn’t accurately describe my mind when in the throes of a worry spiral. So I invented a word for it: catastrophantasizing.

Normally, I love my overactive imagination. It serves me well 90% of the time in my creative pursuits. The other 10% of the time, when either current events or encountering a cyber truck causes my brain to catastrophize the future, I fall into catastrophantasizing. The fantasy whirlwind of my and humanity’s inevitable doom consumes me in a way that can’t be summed up with a word as beige as “anxiety.” So I needed a better word.

Catastrophantasize does the trick. It perfectly captures the unique way in which my particular brain can imagine all the worst-case scenarios that could ever possibly present themselves in under 20 seconds. But in a way that goes beyond simple daydreaming, harnessing the fantastical. I’m quite special.

Though I doubt I’m alone.

I would place good money that anyone with “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” scribbled into their medical chart feels that their particular brand of mental health struggle colors outside the lines of what is described in the DSM 5 or WebMD. I have had more than one practitioner admit to me that when they need the insurance company to cough up the cash to help their patient get medication or therapy, a quick GAD diagnosis is the safe bet.

That word: diagnosis, points to something far deeper than simply making an appointment with an expert for a label that our insurance company will rubber stamp.

The Greek gnosis is defined as “spiritual knowledge,” a connection to our divine nature. In religion and philosophy, it is best known in Gnosticism, which sought to teach people to “free the divine spark within.”

The exploration of our diagnosis is meant to give us self-knowledge, a deeper awareness of our unique way of being in the world. And dammit if that approach doesn’t feel so much happier than the experience of waiting rooms, clipboards, and insurance submittals! Our diagnosis is an evolving journey, and it can be a beautiful one!

Sadly “spiritual awakening” doesn’t compute for insurance billing purposes.

We miss out on the wholeness of our journey when we give up our agency and simply accept the label that a professional slaps on the very individual experiences we have of existence. Western medicine throws Prozac at it, gives it a neat and tidy diagnosis, and checks in with the patient “as needed.” Eventually, our well-worn neuroses read like a resume: “I AM depressed, I AM anxious, I AM an alcoholic.” Really? That’s it? Aren’t we SO much more than those things?

Jung said it best. “We should not try to ‘get rid’ of a neurosis, but rather experience what it means, what it has to teach us.”

I don’t have anxiety any more than I have a soul. States of being are not something one can possess or achieve. Life’s challenges aren’t something we have or are, they are something we experience. Impermanent. Passing like cars down the street. Here one day, less so the next. They are there for us to observe and learn from, not to wear like a badge of honor. The dark places that we try so hard to avoid and pathologize, THIS is where the important work is happening. In myth, this is where the hero always finds the meaning of things.

This is an important distinction because these diagnoses literally take themselves up in our psyche. The “sicknesses” of our lives pick up steam in the stories we tell ourselves about our identity. The power of our diagnostic stories cannot be overstated. They can also be healed through our willing participation. A pioneer in the field of Depth Psychology, James Hillman, says it’s usually our stories that are pathological, not ourselves.

Deeper soul work is always taking place and cannot be doctored by anyone outside of oneself. Soul is the conductor, always. A recognition of, and acceptance of that work is what inspired me to identify and recognize an experience like “Catastrophantasizing.” I have created countless poems, essays, and recently recorded a song based on the ferocity of this experience in my life. Not only have I gained self-knowledge, but the creative expression of it has been rich. And I can’t help but think that had I tried to “treat,” (re: get rid of) my propensity for catastrophizing, I would have missed the beautiful jewel of growth and artistry underneath it.

When I think about what would have happened had I not taken this approach, it’s enough to send me into a worry spiral and catastrophantasize an alternate future where I would have nodded and smiled at the nice therapist and medicated myself into numbness until I stopped feeling altogether and probably dissociated from my life and my children and….

And….

And…