TMZ Funerals
(first published in Chapters Grief Publications)
How to manage complex relationships at funerals is an often-underdeveloped area of grief work. Break-ups, remarriages, sibling/step-sibling rivalries, co-workers and close friends, there are innumerable relationships to consider when someone passes away. Knowing whether you should attend a funeral when your relationships within the complex network of community surrounding a loved one can be tenuous to navigate. Especially when funeral arrangements are commonly left to the biological family, who, may or may not be the closest surviving loved ones to the deceased.
There is no “right” way to feel about this situation. Resentment, anger, sadness and jealousy toward the immediate family when they weren’t close to the deceased but nevertheless are the people who receive the most comfort is normal. We sometimes feel ashamed for “making it about us,” or seemingly getting caught up in a competition over the “who was closest to______” game.
What if rather than avoiding those thoughts, we simply acknowledged that it’s just plain awkward? Naming the complex nature of the situation openly can free you from imprisoning yourself in even more pain than that which you are already in grieving the loss of your loved one.
Best case scenario: death can reconcile people who have been at odds, and can reconnect those who were previously estranged. There are many reasons that relationships are difficult or awkward, and sometimes those reasons seem meaningless in light of a death.
Worst case scenario: death does nothing to repair the feud, or it can cause more conflict because of the heightened emotions surrounding death, and the reasons for the rift become magnified There is little we can do to predict the right course of action outside of simply following our gut, what will be, will be.
When it comes down to it: if you feel you want to attend the service then you should do so. If you feel you do not want to attend the service, then don’t “should” yourself into going. If your relationships to the “survived by” list are particularly explosive and you are concerned that your choice might come to blows, it is probably best to communicate to someone that you intend to be present. This helps to respect everyone’s plans and expectations and avoids creating unwanted surprises at the event itself.
Regardless of what you decide, it is crucial that you mourn, celebrate, or ritualize the loss of your loved one in a way that is meaningful to you. If you can’t attend the funeral, or you simply know that it will not be a place where you can appropriately grieve, start thinking about ways in which you can create your own goodbye fitting to the relationship you had with your loved one.
Choose a location, activity, food, and songs that can help you create your own goodbye that is meaningful and helps you celebrate your unique relationship with that special somebody you loved and lost.
I might suggest starting with something like: “Dearly beloved, we are here today to get through this thing called life.”
And as always, if you need compassionate guidance in creating just such a rite of remembrance, I’m here to assist you in creating a sol-ful ritual.
